Thinking of My Father as My Birthday Approaches

birthday

 

My birthday is approaching and I wonder if he remembers the significance of the date?  Will he think about me on my birthday?

Each day since becoming a parent I am amazed by my child. Abby makes me smile. She makes me laugh. I love watching her grow and learn and develop her own little personality. I am excited to see how she changes. I don’t want to miss anything. Just a few moments ago I was sitting and holding her as she slept, looking at her little face and wondering how in the world could I create something so beautiful?

Becoming a parent has made me reexamine my biological father and the relationship we have had throughout my life. My birthday is approaching and I wonder if he remembers the significance of the date?  Will he think about me on my birthday?  Will he remember what it was like to hold me as a baby, like I hold my daughter?

My father left my mother when my sister and I were very young. He remarried quickly and soon had two other girls. The only real interaction we had with him for a long time was visits at Christmas, where he would try to buy our love with gifts and brainwash us with his new-found religion and crazy beliefs before ignoring us until the next Christmas. As a naïve child I always wondered what was wrong with my sister and I, to make him not want us and to replace us. Of course, as an adult I know that it was nothing my sister or I did and there was nothing wrong with us. I wonder how one can miss out on almost 30 years of your child’s life and be OK with it.  For a long time I have been hurt and angry. Now I just feel sorry for him.

I am sorry that he didn’t experience all the feelings that I feel in my heart for my daughter. I wonder what was so wrong with him that he didn’t feel those things for us, but I do hope that he felt that for his other children.  I feel sorry that he missed out on two beautiful children; I feel sorry that he has missed out on two strong and intelligent women. I feel sorry that he will never know our amazing children.  He will never be a grandfather to them.

I have not forgiven him and I don’t know if I ever will. But I feel more at peace with it now than I ever have, and that’s fine with me.

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