Good Morning 

Good morning! 

Whew, what a rough night.  Abby woke up twelve times during the night, eleven times after I had gone to bed.  Her fever finally broke around 3:00 a.m.and I slept (kind of!) more peacefully after that.

Abby really hasn’t ever been ill too much, so I am still relatively inexperienced at taking care of a sick child.  Last night she had the highest fever she’s had since she was twelve weeks old and had an infection that required a spinal tap and hospitalization.  I was worried, especially since I didn’t know what we wrong.

I’m not sure if it was a stomach bug or her teething, or maybe a combination.  A couple of children at her daycare were ill this week.  At her 18 month well child check on Monday she had molars coming in and this morning she showed me two new teeth had broken through on top.

We’ve been up since 5:00 a.m. and she has been singing and being goofy.  She’s  been dancing and running around like a wild child.  My living room and her bedroom look as though a toy tornado hit them.  I can tell she is feeling much better!

This momma is super tired today… thank goodness for coffee! I don’t know how I would function without it sometimes.
I hope you all have a great day!

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Poor Girl

I hate when my girl is sick, especially when she can’t tell me what is wrong.  My husband stayed home with her today because I couldn’t take off.

 Abby has wanted snuggles all day, hasn’t wanted to eat or drink much, and has just been laying around.  Right now she and her babies are pretending to be sleeping on the floor.  I hope she feels better soon!

A Dark Cloud

Photo by Christian Gertenbach. From http://www.unsplash.com

Bleh.  Today I just feel bleh.  I feel like there’s a dark cloud hanging around.  Maybe it’s the weather and bleak gray winter atmosphere outside.  Maybe it’s just work and feeling overwhelmed by my job responsibilities and ongoing projects.  Maybe it’s housework and all the personal things I would like to do and feeling like there is not enough time in the day or money in my wallet.  Maybe it’s just PMS.  Maybe it’s boredom as I sit in a six hour training, only two hours of which applies to me.  Maybe it’s dissatisfaction, unhappiness, and fear with our country’s current political events.  Maybe it’s just that I am on day three of a continuous headache.  Bleh.

Waiting and Potential Disappointment

Photo by Tim Foster. From http://www.unsplash.com 

According to MyDays, my period tracking app, I should be starting my period today.  Usually my app is pretty spot on, but I am hoping that it is wrong.  I am hoping that it doesn’t come at all and I am pregnant.  

Last month I was disappointed, even though we hadn’t really tried to conceive- we just hadn’t tried not to.  This month we had tried several times the week I was ovulating, but we didn’t go crazy. 

All day long I have been trying to interpret the way my body feels.  It seems the signs are pointing to not pregnant, although I keep telling myself, hey, maybe I am pregnant after all.  Yesterday I was extremely emotional.  I felt like I was going to cry all day, without explanation.  I had a migraine, which often accompanies the beginning of my period, although I did still have migraines during pregnancy.  Today I had felt fine all day, but as I was sitting in a meeting earlier I began to feel a cramping sensation.  

It’s probably just PMS.

I just hate the wait; I hate the not knowing.  At the same time I want to hold on to the moment, knowing it is still a possibility, rather than knowing the result is negative.  As the day goes on I am trying to be hopeful, but also, as a realist, allow myself to accept that it may not happen this month.  

Either way, it will be fine.  Life goes on.  I have my baby, and I enjoy every second of time with her.  If it doesn’t happen this month there are more months ahead.  Who knows what time will bring.

Acrobatic Sleeping and a Long Night

Photo by Quin Stevenson. From http://www.unsplash.com

Yesterday we drove an hour from home to see friends we hadn’t seen in over a year.  Abby enjoyed herself and enjoyed running around all wild and crazy, having a new audience to show off for.  The kids enjoyed showing her their cat and rabbit and horses.  

We spent the night at my in-laws’ house, just a couple of miles away.  As much as I was looking forward to seeing my in-laws, I was not looking forward to bedtime.  Abby NEVER sleeps well at their house.  Usually she and I are awake most of the night.  I am ashamed to say that when we slept there at Thanksgiving it was such a rough night that I broke down and cried, begging my child to please, PLEASE go to sleep.  I think my husband thought that I’d lost it.

When I lay her little snoring form in the Pack and Play and covered her with a blanket to stay warm in the chilly basement she instantly sprung awake and shouted, “Momma!”  No matter what I tried, she would not lay back down, instead she clung to me, arms locked around my neck with tears streaming down her face as if she were going to fall down a steep cliff and I was her only hope to be pulled out alive.  I finally gave in and let her lay next to me, although it took another five minutes to get her to calm down and quit crying.  She drifted off to sleep and I lay cuddling her close, marveling at how wonderful she felt in my arms and how delicious the sweet smell of her mixed with the honey scent of her Burts Bees body wash and the apple scent of her hair detangler was.  We slept peacefully until my husband came to bed.  

At that time she awoke and wanted milk.  After she started to snore I placed her between my husband and I and fell asleep again.  My slumber was not uninterrupted for long.  

Abby began to roll around in her sleep. She flung her arms around, several times hitting my husband in his face.  She slept with her feet in the air.  She slept with her butt in the air. She inched forward and somehow pushed both my pillows on the floor between the bed and the wall.  I put my arm up and around her so that she wouldn’t keep inching forward and also fall off of the bed.  This made my already sensitive shoulder have a muscle spasm and freeze in place.  Ouch.  Later she wiggled around and, still asleep, ended up with her feet in my face.  I picked her up and placed her back on her pillow, when she rolled over to where I had been laying.  I tried to push her over and lay back in my spot, but I was stuck closer to the edge of the double bed.  

Now this double bed has seen better days and is slightly dome-shaped.  I never realized how dome-shaped until I was laying and trying to figure out a position where I wasn’t laying on my left shoulder, wasn’t squishing the kid, and wasn’t going to roll off the bed.  I eventually settled for placing my right arm under my butt.  It wasn’t comfortable but I finally felt like I wasn’t going to end up on the carpet.

This whole time Abby had continued her acrobatic sleep.  I wouldn’t have been surprised to see her doing a handstand. 

My poor husband woke each time she moved, each time she would snore or whimper, each time she would fling a body part against him.  I know he had to have slept horribly.  I managed to sleep some, but I had incredibly strange dreams about trying to save little children around town from a demonic entity appearing in the form of a child after some horrible apocalyptic event.  Yeah, I have weird dreams.

After Abby wanted milk about 5:45 a.m. I tried to lay her back in the Pack and Play but she wouldn’t have that.  Dad picked her up and took her upstairs at 6:00 a.m.  Grandma and Grandpa were awake and stirring by this time, I’m sure, with help from the screams from my kid who didn’t want to sleep alone.  I slept for another hour and then joined the rest of the family.  It was nice to get a little sleep in the middle of the bed.  

What a night.  I am so looking forward to getting back home and telling my bed how much I missed it tonight. 

Modern Life

Last Sunday night I had a little time after Abby went to bed and was able to paint. It had been quite a while since I had last had a chance to, probably some time around Halloween. 

It felt good to get my hands dirty (and boy, did I. The new gold paint I recently bought took a few days to come off, even after using a lot of elbow grease and a stiff brush). 

The result was this, Modern Life, mixed media on canvas. 

The light in my “studio”/craft room/storage space stinks, so in the photograph the color is a little off and the gold doesn’t appear to shine as much as it does, I think it didn’t turn out too bad.

Facing a Profesional Fear

I have been working at my current place of employment for over fifteen years.  I have had a variety of positions but I have been in my current position for a little over three years now.  

When I first started my current position I was basically just thrust into my job duties and not really given any cohesive training, as my coworkers were in the middle of implementing a large project.  I was handed a bunch of training guides and expected to figure everything out.  This was a little difficult for me, because it was all very new and different and my job is very multifaceted.  I had to train myself to do so much.  

Part of my job is to train new associates.  I have done this job duty for a long time and am comfortable with it, but one thing I had not done was to train nurses.  I have trained office managers, office staff, CNAs, but never a nurse.  I have always felt scared to try, overwhelmed by the amount of information I would need to pass on, and unsure of my knowledge and ability to do it correctly.  I have somewhat avoided doing it, always waiting for someone else to volunteer to do it first.  I don’t know why, but it has always freaked me out.  Perhaps part of my hesitation was that I felt like if I tried to train a nurse the curtain would be pulled back and people would see that the great Wizard of Oz was really just a weird little guy talking into a microphone.  People would see that I didn’t know as much as they think I do, as much as I claim to.

Fast forward to the present.  One of my coworkers called in sick and had sent a text message asking if someone would either reschedule a training session she had set up for a nurse or train the nurse.  My other two coworkers were leaving early so I decided to take the leap and face my fear.  I dove in and did it.  Fake it ’til you make it, I told myself.  I met with the nurse, I acted confident and like I knew what I was doing, even though I was shaking in my boots, quite literally.

And you know what?  It really wasn’t so bad!  I surprised myself with how much I really did know, how at ease I felt once I got in a groove, how well I did.  (Insert mental image of me jumping around ecstatically here.)  I did it.  I cannot explain how good I felt.       

So I guess the moral of the story is that when I faced my fear head on I rose up to the challenge and found out a lot about myself.  I realize that I need to apply this approach to other areas of my life.  Maybe it will be successful, maybe not, but I need to at least try.

Have you ever been in a situation where you’ve faced one of your professional fears?  How did it turn out?  I would love to hear from you.  

Today is a New Day

Today is a new day.  So far it has gone much better than yesterday and I am determined to keep it that way.  My goal for today is to think positively.

I did not ignore my alarms and woke up early.  I readied the coffee maker last night so I had hot coffee waiting for me when I got out of bed.  I prepped lunch and snacks so I have no excuse not to eat well today at work.  I actually feel energetic this morning and can’t wait to get to the gym during lunch.  Today is going to be a good day!

What are your tips or strategies for having a great day?  I would love to hear from you.

What a Day

Photo by Oliver Dale. From http://www.unsplash.com

Today is one of those days where it seems that anything that could go wrong has gone wrong.  Pass me a cup of coffee and some Xanax.  Oh wait, I don’t have either.  Sorry… I am in full sarcasm, no bullshit mode at the moment.  One of my New Year’s resolutions was to complain less, but I’m going to complain.

The day did not start out great.  I remember being awake at 4:30 a.m. with Abby but do not remember my alarm going off at 5:00 a.m.  I was jolted awake by my husband’s alarm clock at 6:10 a.m. and then sprang out of bed thinking, Shit, I’m late!  I woke up with a stomachache and a headache.Abby was still asleep so I was able to get the coffee started and breakfast in bowls before she was calling for me to take her out of bed.  It always seems that she is able to sense whenever we are running late because she started doing everything as slow as the sloth at the DMV in Zootopia.  She also seems to conveniently develop selective hearing and decided to not listen to anything I was asking her to do this morning.  Abby asked to nurse and I let her, even though we were already running late.  Evidently she didn’t really want to nurse, as she decided it was funny to stick her feet in my face and kept laughing, which makes it impossible to drink milk at the same time.  As I was undressing to get into the shower I smelled poop coming from her direction.  I pulled her out of the Pack and Play and attempted to change her diaper… and I do mean attempted.  It was like wresting a greased pig.  She wanted nothing to do with a diaper change, so what should have taken just a minute or so took more than five minutes.  

When I finally was able to shower I noticed that my right breast felt engorged, which was weird because that was the side that Abby was kind of nursing from and it hadn’t felt that way before my shower.  I knew I would not get a chance to pump at work until after lunch so I had to breastfeed Abby after I got out of the shower. 

Yesterday my husband took Abby shopping and she had soaked through her diaper and I had to remove the car seat cover to wash it.  The tag said “Drip dry only” so luckily it was dry this morning, but of course I struggled with getting it put back on the car seat.  As I was trying to put it back on I looked at the clock and realized that we should have left the house ten minutes earlier, at minimum, but now we were definitely late.  I told my phone to text the babysitter and my coworkers that we were running late and, of course, Google could find every Stephanie I have ever called in my life, but could not find Stefani so route my text message to.  I told Google some choice words and then had to immediately tell a wide-eyed Abby to never ever repeat them.

By this time my anxiety was really flaring up.  Since we left the house after 8:00 I figured getting to the babysitter’s house would be a piece of cake with no early morning school traffic.  That being said, I think I hit every red light between my house and hers.  When I put the car in park Abby immediately burst into tears and was inconsolable.  She was screaming and waving her arms and kicking her feet at me as I closed the front door and I felt so bad the whole way to work.  She made me want to cry.

The parking lot was full when I rolled into work a full half an hour late.  I was getting out of the car when I accidentally hit the panic button on my key fob.  I sat in my car dumbfounded for a moment, trying to figure out what was going on.  I have only had the key fob for a week so the fact that I had hit the panic button wasn’t registering; I’ve never had that happen before.  Not only was I half an hour late to work, I announced it to the whole hospital with my car’s horn. Yay.  I jogged to the entrance and up four flights of stairs only to walk into my office panting and have my coworker hand me the phone while saying, “Hold on, she’s right here,”  and it was my boss on the line.  

Please, please let the day get better!