Waiting and Potential Disappointment

Photo by Tim Foster. From http://www.unsplash.com 

According to MyDays, my period tracking app, I should be starting my period today.  Usually my app is pretty spot on, but I am hoping that it is wrong.  I am hoping that it doesn’t come at all and I am pregnant.  

Last month I was disappointed, even though we hadn’t really tried to conceive- we just hadn’t tried not to.  This month we had tried several times the week I was ovulating, but we didn’t go crazy. 

All day long I have been trying to interpret the way my body feels.  It seems the signs are pointing to not pregnant, although I keep telling myself, hey, maybe I am pregnant after all.  Yesterday I was extremely emotional.  I felt like I was going to cry all day, without explanation.  I had a migraine, which often accompanies the beginning of my period, although I did still have migraines during pregnancy.  Today I had felt fine all day, but as I was sitting in a meeting earlier I began to feel a cramping sensation.  

It’s probably just PMS.

I just hate the wait; I hate the not knowing.  At the same time I want to hold on to the moment, knowing it is still a possibility, rather than knowing the result is negative.  As the day goes on I am trying to be hopeful, but also, as a realist, allow myself to accept that it may not happen this month.  

Either way, it will be fine.  Life goes on.  I have my baby, and I enjoy every second of time with her.  If it doesn’t happen this month there are more months ahead.  Who knows what time will bring.

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